


murder is charming

by antagonists



Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening, Fire Emblem: Shin Ankoku Ryuu to Hikari no Ken | Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 18:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10497246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antagonists/pseuds/antagonists
Summary: On one of his days off, though, he accidentally summons the prince of hell. Who, regrettably, appears to him on the smushed remains of his sandwich-in-progress. Mayonnaise is a sad stain on the stranger’s black leather boots.Perhaps a normal person would call for help. Lon’qu, however, simply stares a moment, drops the mayonnaise bottle to reach over for a santoku knife, and promptly sticks it into the stranger’s stomach.





	

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  idk??? let's keep this nonsense ship streak going i guess

* * *

 

 

 

Social etiquette has never been one of Lon’qu’s strong suits. He stares too long at people in the subway when he catches them looking at him, glares meanly at anyone who brushes shoulders when they could’ve moved out of the way, and isn’t nice about snatching his umbrella back when someone tries to take it from the rack on a rainy day. Sometimes he’ll admit to himself that he’s stubborn, but otherwise maintains his bitter, angry outlook on life. Life’s hard for a simple salaryman; it’d been a last resort after the dojo he used to instruct at shut down. The only good thing about it is that he has a set schedule and knows what to expect.

 

Routine—he can live with that.

 

On one of his days off, though, he accidentally summons the prince of hell. Who, regrettably, appears to him on the smushed remains of his sandwich-in-progress. Mayonnaise is a sad stain on the stranger’s black leather boots.

 

Perhaps a normal person would call for help. Lon’qu, however, simply stares a moment, drops the mayonnaise bottle to reach over for a santoku knife, and promptly sticks it into the stranger’s stomach.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
“Is that how you normally greet strangers?” the prince of hell asks after introducing himself. Marth has nice blue eyes, even bluer hair, and a very sharp and pretty smile Lon’qu has to keep looking away from. He doesn’t seem too bothered by the fact that Lon’qu just stabbed him in the gut, even offers to help clean up, and laughs at the pool of his own blood on the floor. It’s a really nice laugh, soft and heartstoppingly pleasant to the ears. Not at all what Lon’qu would expect from someone from hell, or even anything that he thought was remotely possible, ever.

 

“No,” Lon’qu says. “You surprised me. I still do not know why you’re in my kitchen, or how you got here.”

 

“I’ve had people accidentally summon me before,” Marth says. “But usually that’s a group of youngsters trying their hand in calling small demons, so I can expect some sort of sigil or summoning circle.” He looks around at Lon’qu’s plain kitchen, seems to find it wanting, and instead turns his gaze back to Lon’qu. There’s a sort of mischievous curiosity to his eyes. “Maybe it was the mayonnaise that did it? Not exactly a magical substance, but I guess the consistency is close enough to one that is.”

 

The suggestion flies straight over Lon’qu’s head.

 

“I don’t know anything about summoning circles,” Lon’qu frowns, then turns around with a finished sandwich on a paper plate, complete with a side of his favorite wasabi-flavored chips. “If I give you this sandwich, will you go away.”

 

The prince of hell merely smiles, takes the plate graciously— _oh, those are nice hands_ —and disappears in a plume of glittery smoke.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He receives a promotion the next day he turns in for work, even though it would usually _maybe_ happen after over two years of working at the company, not just one and a few odd months. His boss seems very eager to give him the promotion, and his uncharacteristic good mood sets Lon’qu on edge. He won’t complain about the raise, but he starts to think that maybe stabbing the prince of hell with a kitchen knife hadn’t been such a good idea.

 

Ever since that incident, Lon’qu has had to deal with random demons appearing in his kitchen, usually around lunchtime on his days off, just for a little extra of what he happens to be cooking. He doesn’t know how they know he’s cooking at that exact moment, or whether his kitchen is safe from theft when he’s not home. He tries not to think about it too much; surely the prince of hell can tell his minions to leave the pantry alone, right?

 

“Is that _ramen_?” says the demon who pops in today, a talkative youth with bright red hair that reminds Lon’qu of fire.

 

Lon’qu gives a long resigned sigh and hands the demon a bowl with a share of noodles. He’ll have to stock up on paper plates again.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“So you create lots of portals?” Lon’qu asks when Marth decides to drop by again, this time not via a summon. He’d been explaining that once he’s been summoned to an area, he can create a link from the human plane to his home in hell. It’s kind of distracting to have Marth stare at him so intently when he’s trying to cook, but Lon’qu somehow manages. It helps to pretend that he’s cutting up his irritating colleagues rather than carrots and cucumber.

 

“No, only to places I like. I think you’re the first human I’ve visited of my own will,” Marth says, and raises an eyebrow when Lon’qu stiffens. “Lon’qu?”

 

“What.”

 

“Your ears are red.”

 

“No they’re not,” Lon’qu retorts, and resumes chopping the vegetables.

 

Marth grins. “So how are you enjoying your promotion?”

 

“So that was you,” Lon’qu says, even though the idea has been haunting him for the better part of a month. “Did you curse my boss? He’s been oddly happy for a while.”

 

“Can’t tell,” Marth says with a finger to his lips, winking when he catches Lon’qu staring from the corner of his eyes. “Though I do have to say the murderous looks you shoot him are rather charming.”

 

“I’m not murderous,” Lon’qu says, shoulders tense as he cuts through an especially tough bit of carrot.

 

“I don’t mind if you are,” Marth says. “I’m the prince of hell, you know? I find it very sexy.”

 

“ _Here’s your salad_ ,” Lon’qu yells, all but shoving the plate into Marth’s face. The prince laughs his charismatic laugh, pats Lon’qu twice on the cheek, and vanishes.

 

For a moment, Lon’qu stares at the space where Marth had been standing, then picks up a rag from the kitchen counter.

 

“Hell,” he says, and wipes at the sweat on his temple.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [tweet link](https://twitter.com/WholesomeMeme/status/841378614725746690)  
> [jona oh my god](https://twitter.com/HEXlNG/status/847259375567724548) & [ichi oh my god??](https://twitter.com/ylisseantactics/status/847653245841424388)
> 
> [holy shite](https://twitter.com/ylisseantactics/status/881004503431905281)


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